


Half of a Whole

by swamplamp



Category: Tron: Legacy (2010)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 03:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4650546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swamplamp/pseuds/swamplamp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin Flynn is gone and Alan doesn't understand why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half of a Whole

He keeps the pager by his head at night, on the pillow next to his. He likes the weight of it. It lies there heavily--a pathetic substitute for what should be next to him every night. There are times when Alan likes to tell himself that somewhere on the other end is Kevin Flynn. And then there are times when he likes to tell himself that Kevin is dead. It would be easier, wouldn't it?

He doesn't know what to think. He can't go a single night without searching the empty dark of his bedroom for answers. It's always something different: he's dead, he's been kidnapped, you scared him away. Fifteen years and he still asks _Why?_

He drifts to sleep with Kevin's name on his lips. And by his head is the pager that lies as dead as Kevin Flynn.

Alan's dreams are no better. In his dream, he stands at a distance, watching a cheery Kevin talk with Sam. It doesn't occur to him that he should come closer. He doesn't want to disturb the scene. And yet, every time, the dream shatters and he wakes to a half-empty home.

His chest aches when he feels the ghost of a familiar warmth against him. There used to be mornings when he blushed and remembered what they did the night before. There used to be mornings when he woke up and curled into the scent of Kevin's hair. Nowadays, the shock of warmth, the hint of a smell, and the whisper of a memory are the worst lies.

Sam visits every now and then, always dropping in without notice just as Kevin used to do. There's something in the sounds of Sam's footsteps that make Alan believe, just for a second, that Kevin is the one padding through his kitchen, busying himself with making a mess of Alan's counter.

"You're out of bread," Sam says from the kitchen, peeking through the doorway.

When it comes to Sam, it's less about why Kevin left and more about why he wasn't there to raise him. Kevin was what Sam needed. He was the one who created and nurtured, while Alan was always the one who protected and balanced. Sure, maybe Sam needed both, but he couldn't have one without the other. Didn't Kevin realize that?

"Everything alright, Alan?"

Alan looks up from the floor to see Sam sitting across from him with a sandwich in his hand. He sees the concern in Sam's face, so he tries on a smile. "Yeah. Sorry. It's been a long day."

"Dillinger giving you hell again?"

"No, no. It's this code that I've been working on. You know, it's been fifteen years since I've been able to cook up something decent."

"Then let me at it." The casual pride and eagerness in Sam's voice is all too familiar. Just like his father. "I'll have it fixed for you in no time."

A genuine smile breaks across Alan's face, and he knows that Sam really can fix it. He wonders if Sam got that from him or from Kevin. Kevin would always praise Alan for his work with Tron. He had called the program a "beautiful work of art," and would talk about it at length, although Alan sometimes had difficulties following. It made Alan happy, knowing that Tron was in better hands than his own.

But it's all gone now. Everything. He can't even make anything that Kevin could've called a work of art anymore because his programming skills are gone and so is Kevin.

Kevin left him with three things: the pager, the company, and Sam. Deep down, he thanks God that those things have been kept separate. Should they have been clustered together, he would have lost them all at once. Despite losing the company, he was able to fight to keep what was most precious to both him and Kevin: Sam.

He hides the pager from Sam. He always has. Hiding it has made Alan feel guilty, as if he's been lying to him all this time. But he fears that, the moment Sam sees it, all his nights wondering why, all his dreams of what should have been, and all that he lost will play before Sam's eyes. Kevin wouldn't have let Sam see. He didn't. When Jordan died, he stayed strong for him.

He wants to do the same for Sam, but he wonders, can he really? He lost the company and it's only a matter of time with Sam. He sees the way that things are now and he realizes that he is already failing. He has been failing. Every night, every dream, every missing part. Every second the pager lies still.

Sam has grown into one hell of a kid and Alan couldn't have asked for more. And yet, every day, he looks at him and he knows that Sam deserves so much _better_.

He keeps the pager by his head at night, on the pillow next to his, because it's the only thing he can do right that Kevin told him to do.

Until the day that he learns how to make things right, he's one half of a whole because Kevin Flynn is gone and no one knows why.

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for a prompt from the [tronkinkmeme](http://tronkinkmeme.livejournal.com/3162.html?thread=910682#t910682) way back when. Anon requested Kevin/Alan established relationship angst. 
> 
> _1/25/2011_


End file.
